Wednesday, October 1, 2014

What It's Like Wednesday... #12

It has been so long. 5 months. A whirlwind of change. Life turned upside down. Moments filled with joy. With love. With heart rending pain. Growth. Backward motion. Life is a constant pendulum. Swinging back and forth without thought,without care for those it carries. We are holding on. Enjoying the the upswings. Surviving the downswings. Most days I feel inept. It is so hard. I wish I was more. I wish I had the answers. The ability to heal what has been broken. The patience to wait it out. Most days I feel like a rag wrung dry. With nothing left to give. There isn't always enough love. I wish there were. But sometimes I reach the the end of me. When there is nothing left to give. When I am hurt. And empty. When I see pain and can't be moved to soothe it. There are so many days I don't know how to make it through. It would be easier to quit. To allow my inabilities to dictate our life. I fail so much. But my heart has been given. I can't take it back. And I am so grateful. For The Hubs. And my mom. And my Jesus. When I have nothing left they are still there. When love is so far from my heart I can't see it. Jesus still loves. And his grace is sufficient. I can give his love, even if I have none of my own. And when I don't know how. My mom does. She encourages and speaks the wisdom I couldn't see. And my husband. He sees my ugly and loves me anyways. Lets me cry and vent and blame. My life is not what it was. Sometimes I long for what I no longer have. I give in to self pity, selfishness and anger. There isn't any promise of better days. But I hope for them. And I lean on those who are stronger than me. This is what my life is really like.

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