What It's Really Like Wednesday #3... One Sided Love

The day we moment just after we found out he was ours

People were talking, the words were coming out of their mouths. We heard few, if any, of them. Our stomachs somersaulted over and over again. Our hearts racing. Waiting, always waiting. But the waiting was almost over. My heart was so full, ready to explode. I could have screamed. Instead I sat, nodding my head. Pretending to listen. Stealing looks at The Hubs. Stealing a peak out the huge window. When would he come?
Then it happened. A small yellow bus turned down the steep driveway and pulled up to the house. I have no idea what anyone else was doing. I was staring out the window, watching, waiting. Squeezing The Hubs hand. "There he is!" The Hubs whispered as a little boy stepped off the bus.
D went to get him and walked him into the house. Hiding behind D's tall skinny legs his big brown eyes peeked out at us. How would we ever get him past those legs? They seemed like an impenetrable fortress. D gently pushed him out from behind her and introduced us.
"Hi." Our tongues were tied. Our minds and hearts a whirl of overwhelming happiness and nervousness. He didn't say anything. He ran to the back of the house. My heart skipped a beat. What was happening?! He hated us! But no, he came back. Slow and shy, carrying behind his back a large book. I scooted onto the floor, "What do you have?" Like a skittish animal he tentatively held out the book, a large white binder with a rocket ship on the front. It was the book I had made, for him. He handed it to me and D prompted him to ask the questions they had talked about before we came. Who was the lady in the apron? Did she make cookies? Was the dog nice? I read the book again and again. Sometimes all the way through. Sometimes only a page.
I can't remember if I touched him. I remember I wanted to. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and smother him with kisses. I was so in love. We both were, The Hubs and I. There sitting on the floor with us was our new life, all 34 pounds of him. The first moments of forever.
We spent the day playing. Hours and hours fixing "broken" toys with little toy hammers and screwdrivers. We were happy. We thought he was happy. I took pictures, tons of them, of our happy little family. He kept asking if we could leave. "Can we just go now? Let's go! Ok I am packed!" He seemed in such a hurry to be family. We didn't know the fear behind his seeming rush to be gone. Just rip the band aid off. We didn't know. How could we, blinded by our happiness and love?
....
Looking back now I can see how much we didn't understand. We were so happy, we assumed he would be too. But we were taking him from another home. We were just another set of strangers in a long line of them. He seemed happy. He smiled and laughed and bounced off the walls with what seemed to us giddiness. But as we came to know our son and he come to know us, beginning to be comfortable in his new family, we knew. The giddiness was a survival technique. People thought it was cute, how much he liked new people, how quickly he "attached" to them. They didn't know what we now knew, he was surviving. The giddiness was cleverly masked fear and anxiety. He didn't love the new strangers, even if their names were Momma and Daddy. But we loved him. Oh how we loved him. Our hearts were full to bursting with love for him. Love isn't the only thing, but it helps.
The two pictures below were taking the weekend we met M. I didn't notice until later, but the smiles on The Hubs and my own face differ greatly from the I-am-not-so-sure-about-this-but-I-should-probably-smile look on M's face.

Two real smiles

I am linking up here...

What It's Really Like Wednesday #2 ... Popularity Contest

"Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!" M's scream ripped through the room. He ran in, tears streaming down his face, grasping one hand in the other "Momma! Ahhhhhh! Momma!" The hubs was standing closer but M bypassed him and made a frantic beeline to me.  My arms encircled him, pulling him in close and tight. "What happened? Are you ok?" He was incoherent through his tears and intermittent sobs. Finally someone explained. M, my rambunctious boy was playing hard. He had met the pavement and found it wasn't kind. He held his little hand close to his body protecting it. Gently, slowly I coaxed him into showing me. He held it out tentatively, like a skittish animal, ready to run at any moment. The skin was broken, like a skinned knee would be. "Can I kiss it?" He nodded his head slightly and I softly touched his hand to my lips. "I love you forever," I whisper.
...
A silly story, a silly memory but it is burned into my memory as few others will be. It was the first time. The first time my son chose me. For so long no matter what I did, or said or tried it was always Daddy. He wanted Daddy. I was just a woman, just another woman in a long line of them. Not the woman he wanted but the one he had. A poor replacement in his mind. The loser in a very important popularity contest.
Sometimes I understood. My brain would tell me what my heart couldn't understand. Time, it would take time. And time was something we had. Forever in fact. Forever Family. He didn't know, how could he. Promises broken by so many, by the people he loved. Why would we be different? Why would I be different?
So many times I bit my tongue and let the tears burn my eyes and throat. "I can do this. I can do this. He needs time. He needs time. Oh, God help me. " Over and over my brain repeated, only sometimes getting through to my wounded heart. The pain seared. Knowing your son doesn't want you. But he was just a little boy, lost in a world of adults doing what's best.
Time. Love. Faithfulness. All working to heal a little heart. I can smile. It isn't hopeless. The moments are more frequent now. He seeks for me. He loves me. Forever family. It slowly sinks it, settling in his heart and mine. "I love you forever."

I am linking up here...

Why?

 That is a great question. And it deserves an answer...

...because I am a momma

...because we need to understand

...because there is always hope

...because kids are worth it

...because it is right

Please join with me as we enter the beautiful, devastating and life changing world of fostering and adopting.