Wednesday, January 22, 2014

What It's Really Like Wednesday #2 ... Popularity Contest

"Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!" M's scream ripped through the room. He ran in, tears streaming down his face, grasping one hand in the other "Momma! Ahhhhhh! Momma!" The hubs was standing closer but M bypassed him and made a frantic beeline to me.  My arms encircled him, pulling him in close and tight. "What happened? Are you ok?" He was incoherent through his tears and intermittent sobs. Finally someone explained. M, my rambunctious boy was playing hard. He had met the pavement and found it wasn't kind. He held his little hand close to his body protecting it. Gently, slowly I coaxed him into showing me. He held it out tentatively, like a skittish animal, ready to run at any moment. The skin was broken, like a skinned knee would be. "Can I kiss it?" He nodded his head slightly and I softly touched his hand to my lips. "I love you forever," I whisper.
A silly story, a silly memory but it is burned into my memory as few others will be. It was the first time. The first time my son chose me. For so long no matter what I did, or said or tried it was always Daddy. He wanted Daddy. I was just a woman, just another woman in a long line of them. Not the woman he wanted but the one he had. A poor replacement in his mind. The loser in a very important popularity contest.
Sometimes I understood. My brain would tell me what my heart couldn't understand. Time, it would take time. And time was something we had. Forever in fact. Forever Family. He didn't know, how could he. Promises broken by so many, by the people he loved. Why would we be different? Why would I be different?
So many times I bit my tongue and let the tears burn my eyes and throat. "I can do this. I can do this. He needs time. He needs time. Oh, God help me. " Over and over my brain repeated, only sometimes getting through to my wounded heart. The pain seared. Knowing your son doesn't want you. But he was just a little boy, lost in a world of adults doing what's best.
Time. Love. Faithfulness. All working to heal a little heart. I can smile. It isn't hopeless. The moments are more frequent now. He seeks for me. He loves me. Forever family. It slowly sinks it, settling in his heart and mine. "I love you forever."

I am linking up here...

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