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M was angry. I don't remember why. But I do remember how he chose to show his frustration. Standing in the laundry room, quiet. Too quiet. "What are you doing?" I asked not yet suspicious. "Nothing!" His reply was quick. The kind of answer that a mother, even a brand new mom, can recognize as a cover. Urine covered the floor and the few pieces of laundry that were scattered on the floor. My anger outweighed his own. Burning. Unkind thoughts racing through my mind as I handed him a towel. i don't know how but I didn't explode. "Scrub." And I walked away.
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The first time was maddening but manageable. The second time I fumed. The third time (plus more) I raged. He did it on purpose. Laying on his bed, unhappy to be there. He urinated off the side of the bed. Drenching his mattress, his bedding and his floor.
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Perfection alludes me. Always. I look back and see the times, over and over, that I missed it. How can I love someone so much and get so mad at them? Or even more than that how could I ever be overcome by anger at the most awesome of gifts? But I do get mad. And I do regret my words that cut and lack love. No, I am not a perfect mom. I screw up. More times than I care to admit.
There are so many times I feel myself at a loss. With no idea of what to do. Parenting is hard. Setting a good example is hard. Reflecting on past mistakes can be discouraging. And some days leave me floundering.
But I love my son and His mercies are new every morning. I can learn from my mistakes like I hope M will do. Tomorrow will be better. I will wake him with a song and a kiss and a hug. And we will begin anew.
Stopping by from the Anything Goes Link-up. :)
ReplyDeleteI can totally empathize with you in how you feel/felt. I have been in that situation more times then I care to admit. I guess it proves we are all human and even the unconditional love we have for our kids can't stop the anger at times. In the end, the amount of times we show them love outweighs those moment of anger. :)
Thanks for stopping by! And yes! I am so grateful that love covers a multitude of sins (because I need it!) :)
DeleteHi there..stopping by from Wise Woman blog hop. I get you. Today our youngest bit my shoulder..you know one of those small..jaw clenched bite that your skin blistered and can visibly see blood clot? one of those! and it was hard not to get mad. I did and I felt bad. We have those days..some days we can just shake it off..some days we really feel so bad. Everyday is a blessing because we can always make it better..not perfect..but better.
ReplyDeleteCome by http://abountifullove.blogspot.com/ :)
P.S
love your blog , added you on my google+ and google connect.
Thanks for visiting! I am on my way to check out your blog now. :)
DeleteFirst of all, you write beautifully. I loved reading every word. (I'm usually a skimmer...but I was hanging on this time). Secondly, I have the same thoughts. Yes, parenting is challenging but if it wasn't we wouldn't be good parents. The parents that let things go, don't care or keep up on their children - those are the parents I worry about. Not the ones that question if they are a good parent - that just shows what a great parent we are.
ReplyDeleteThank you for joining the Anything Goes Linky. I do hope you will return next week!
Thank you so much for the compliment! You just made my day. :) And I agree with you. If it weren't a challenge then we couldn't be changed and grow during the process right? And goodness knows I need all the changing and growing I can get my hands on. Parenting is like the ultimate refining tool!
ReplyDeleteAgain, thanks for the compliment and for stopping by! I really appreciate it. :)
I am featuring it on today's linky party! I hope you come back and join us :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! I can't wait to see it. :)
ReplyDelete